Difficult Lessons - Accepting Help

In life I am naturally happier being the one who is rushing around after other people. What I am not very good at is being on the receiving end of help. I don't say this as a martyr - I just find it hard to let other people do things for me. Since I went to university when I was 18 years old, I have pretty well looked after myself. And for a long time my Jonny too. So, maybe I am just used to being that way.

This leaves me in a tricky situation right now. Because I am not well. And no matter how much I want to be keeping everything together and do everything, my body just isn't up to it at the moment. My achievements of Monday morning, in between two sleeps, were to empty the dishwasher and hang the clothes up to dry. These things are not big tasks. When I am feeling well - they just happen. And on bad chemo days it is more of an achievement to walk up the stairs than anything else.

I really DON'T want to be like this. That may sound obvious but it is so frustrating to not even able to think about what we are going to have for dinner. Let alone struggle to cope with symptoms and side effects of drugs.

I have, however, been offered help. By both the hospital and the community. I took some talking into accepting this, but I guess I am in a place where I know I need help. And so I knew when it was offered it was something I should take. Stubbornness can lead to cutting off your nose to spite your face. And my desire is always to make this bad situation better, not worse.

So. I have my next chemo tomorrow and for the next eight days starting tomorrow, my church will be delivering evening meals to our home. For the first few days these will just be for Jon as my stomach has been so bad. Believe me this wasn't something I accepted just like that. But in reality it is going to be a huge help. I have done this for others in the church when they have not been well, or had babies etc. It's just hard to accept such kindness from the other side.

The second piece of help I have accepted is nursing care at home to help me to cope with the side effects and symptoms. Whilst this is a good thing, again I took some persuasion. How ill do you have to be before this is deemed necessary? I certainly don't want to be ill enough. But maybe I am. Otherwise this wouldn't be offered to me. I found it particularly hard that these nurses are coming from the local hospice. Emotionally hard. I am sure they will be lovely. Just so don't want to be in the place I am.

So the next few days should be better than last time as I accept this help. Just because a lesson is difficult that doesn't mean it is not worth learning or when you do it won't make life better or easier. And I can see the bigger picture here. Someone (who happens to be me) is not well. And there are things than can be done to help. That someone is letting help in.

We just seem to have got to this place mighty quickly. So I've had a steep learning curve. But this is where I am. Even though I don't want to be. I just am. And I am incredibly grateful for the help I receive.