I don't know. I am on the computer. And I've just eaten two slices of toast. And I'm not unconcious.
Don't mention my tummy. Don't mention the nausia. Don't mention it. Don't mention food. Especially not good for you food. Don't mention the juicer. urghh. Let's move on. Don't mention liqued.
Just had a friend pop over and managed a shot at a conversation for half an hour or so. Perked me up and ate my toast afterwards. And my feet are lovely and toasty in my cashmere bed socks. Perfect.
So maybe I am emerging. Maybe tomorrow WILL be a better day. Just maybe.
I am so aware of the emotional cascade I am on. This disease goes against the grain of me. I don't want to be the needy one. The one who can't do the most simple things. When the cascade kicks in then no one should know me. No one should care about me. No one should visit because it is kinder for them to not have to deal with this.
This weekend we learnt the sad news that a friends baby has been born with a deforming syndrome. The same day I was dealt my latest blow of scan results. At the end of the moving email that made me cry the baby's father concludes:
"The more time we have spent with her, the more we have come to adore her. She didn't ask for any of this, any more that we did, and she is the one who has to live with it. Ok, she may not win any beauty contests but she is a cute as a button and as happy as a baby you could hope to meet and we'll sure you'll love her as much as we do."
And in that moment I thought. I thought that I was like that baby. All this load I carry of guilt of the impact of this illness, I didn't choose any of it either. I would have chosen so much else. But I can't. But I saw the picture of that little girl, and my heart was moved with love for her. Not because she was deformed, but just because she was a little girl. And maybe that is what people see with me. Just Jo. Nothing amazing. But here, loved by her family and friends. And Jo just wants to love back.
So emerge I must. Just not sure when right now.
5 days ago
3 comments:
Hey Jo,
I'm going to miss you when I jet off to Aus, but my stomach has a fond memory of your cupcakes, like ice cream but not cold, which was the bit I didn't like about ice cream anyway.
Sorry not to get to see you to say bye bye, but totally undies why, I'll be in the land of the blogger, we will keep in touch there, I'll try to post a bit of sunshiny photographic evidence on mine, you know, to prove I actually went and am not hanging out in Southampton and just fooling folk about having gone abroad.
Thanks for your friendship and for your listening and for ferrying me to sheen from the White Horse and for your prayers and for your cup cakes and for not letting me be the only one in a Christmas Jumper and for your just being you during what I like to call 'phase one'. 'Phase two' friendship looks likely to be largely digitally assisted, but that's ok. We're in touch don't you know, down with the techy kids.
Peas
Mr C : )
Ah sorry, the f word. Apologies.
Bless you Mark.
Praying for safe travels to Oz for you and fantastic experiences in your year there.
Make sure you do post pictures of the surf. You'll be missed at HT but am sure you will be back before we all know it!
xJ
Post a Comment