Sleep Please

I am getting so fed up with my sleep problems. And getting fed up with them probably doesn't help.

I don't think I helped myself yesterday. I had an unscheduled trip to the hospital in the morning to try and sort my anaemia problems out. And then a GP appointment mid afternoon. This meant I didn't get my afternoon rest until 5 ish. I fell promptly fast asleep until gone 7. And this probably didn't help me try to get off for a good nights sleep a couple of hours later.

But this problem has been going on far longer than one night.

For those who have never encountered insomnia I can only imagine it sounds ridiculous. If you are tired, surely the body will just go to sleep for some rest. But that is the whole point. With insomnia the switching into sleep mode just doesn't happen. This leads to over tiredness in the night which makes the problem even worse.

I have some reflexology booked for later on today. That seemed to help massively last week so here's hoping it does the trick for me again tonight. That and a soak in some lovely bath oil my friend dropped round yesterday.

Not only am I totally fed up with my sleep problems. I am also thoroughly bored with going on about them.

The GP I saw yesterday described my whole situation as a "bugger." I was rather taken a back. But couldn't help finding myself agreeing with him. Quite frankly it is.

Women's Breakfast

I love the women's breakfast at church. It is usually just once a term, and a time for women to get together, chat, laugh, share and usually we have a speaker.

I went along this morning. My digestive problems have been so hideously bad recently, coupled with my insomnia, that yesterday I didn't think I was going to make it. This would have been a blow having not gone to the Love Maggies afternoon yesterday, which I really wanted to go to, and having to rearrange my course assessment that was meant to be today too. I was feeling like I was going to be bound to the sofa for the rest of my days.

Anyway thanks to advice from my hospice nurse (who is AMAZING and so much help) I managed some sleep last night and this morning was feeling better so did make it.

I guess there are about fifty or so women who usually go along, and the rough age range is from those in their early twenties through to early sixties. I love the fact that no labels apply though. By that I mean it doesn't about your age, career, family circumstances, illness or whatever. It's just a bunch of lovely ladies who get together, have a chit chat over some croissant and fresh coffee and share their lives with each other for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning.

This morning an amazing lady talked about how her faith had helped her to cope with her partial facial paralysis which suddenly hit her 18 months ago. And then a wonderful hilarious guest speaker used the analogy of clothes to talk about how we try to fit and clothe ourselves in what doesn't always fit - and how our faith challenges and frees us from that. I laughed a lot and caught up with friends. A very different place from the sobbing mess I was in yesterday evening.

Now home armed with a strategy to try and sort out my digestion. I am still on full anti sickness medications nine days post chemo. This is not great. I tried stopping them yesterday and it was something of a disaster. I am treating myself like a child. I have made myself a sandwich. Cut it into quarters and will be eating ONE quarter PER hour this afternoon and no more. That is how bad things have become that I am having to ration myself small portions of food so I don't get some hideous reaction.

In the dark moments of yesterday evening it occurred to me that it really isn't any wonder I feel so ill. I haven't been able to digest a proper meal in over a week. Even though I am exhausted I can't sleep because of my insomnia. I am in all likelihood very anaemic right now. And my white cell count will be at the lowest in the cycle meaning I have very little immunity. So I decided to give myself a break. Put all that together, along with the bloomin nasties in my body, and it is no surprise I have been feeling so shocking.

It's no fun. So I am very grateful those lovely girls had me smiling and laughing this morning. Now time for some TV in bed. I am just going to be very kind to myself right now because that is what I need.

Snug as a Bug

I have had a very restless night. There have been digestive problems that don't need any more said about them. But also a general restlessness which tends to kick in around this time in my chemo cycle.

It is VERY frustrating. My body clearly needs sleep. It has just undergone a chemical onslaught (again.) And my cell counts will be hitting their low so really what I didn't need was to spend last night in between the bathroom and tossing and turning all night in bed.

Some very good friends of ours renamed their spare room the "snug as a bug" room. And after a couple of hours of this frustration last night, this is where I relocated myself too. My Jonny was none the wiser, fast asleep (snoring,) and no point us both suffering this. Besides which makes me feel even worse about the whole thing if he is even more tired than usual for his stupid o'clock early starts.

Our "snug as a bug" room got redecorated a few months ago. We sometimes think of it as the unnecessary part of the house. Up in the loft conversion and only really used when people come to stay and for storage. However in recent months there have been various illness reasons (understatement?!) which mean being banished to the "snug as a bug" room have been necessary.

It's all in the name you see. Call it the spare room and you feel like a spare part. Call it "snug as a bug," and it feels almost like a treat. Today I am off to spend time in my friends "snug as a bug" room just for a change of scene. I am not going there to be spare or invalid you see, but to be snug.

Sleepy Head

I have spent most of today asleep. Can't really remember anything else or what I did yesterday.

We have had lots of nursing support which has been great. Had no idea it was available. But have had two phone calls from the community matrons today as well as the visit from the my hospice nurse, I mean Ann, yesterday. So having felt very lost at weekends and generally a few weeks ago, we do feel a lot more supported. And we are very grateful.

In my waking hours this evening I am alarmed by the amount of rugby on the TV. I have done well over the years to learn about football I think. But rugby I struggle. I know that won't be a popular call but just the way I am.

How long until Wimbledon is on until I can get my own back?

Annoying

As part of my discussions at the hospital yesterday one of the things we talked about was getting me as well as possible ahead of my re entry into chemo land on later in the week. We talked about my ongoing insomnia problem. I don't like taking sleeping tablets or "sleep aids" as they are sometimes politely called. But I could see the logic in trying to get a couple of good nights sleep in. So agreed to a short term plan for a couple of nights.

However I did not react well to whatever I took last night. It took forever to get off to sleep. Woke several times in the night. And has caused all sorts of digestive problems. I made it to my class this morning just about, but couldn't do everything. And needed to come promptly home afterwards.

How annoying. I don't need to be feeling ill 2 days before I am about to be feeling bloomin awful anyway. I won't be taking any more of that sleep aid. In my case it has been more of a "make you feel rubbish aid." Genius.

Tired Girl

Goodness I feel tired. I think it is physical AND emotional stuff today. It's just hard today. The way things are. And then facing being back at the hospital this week. It is exhausting in itself.

I have had a couple of nice enough days. I took care of my friends little girl yesterday which was lots of fun and I had a nice brunch with friends from University this morning. But I have this need for lots of sleep. It just doesn't always happen at night. But I am hopeful it may happen tonight.

People are so kind though. Messages. Support. Food being dropped round. And love. I just long to be free of all this to love back. Or at least be able to return calls I need to.

Maybe tomorrow it will all come together though. After my very good nights sleep.

Fluctuating Energy Levels

My energy is so up and down at the moment. It's been "a bit of a week," what with one thing and another and I seem to be really tired generally. My routine of trying to nap in the day is helping, but sometimes I get it completely wrong and sleep for too long, and then I am all out of sorts.

I babysat for some friends last night and ended up snoozing most of the night on the sofa. Whilst this felt like a real treat at the time, I don't think it's great for routine when you have energy issues like myself. I woke up this morning and applied a large amount of make up to try and fill in the bags under my eyes in an attempt look less scary whilst I was helping to run a workshop. Hardly a great advert for the exercise if I look like I had done a couple of rounds with Frank Bruno.

It went well in the end I think. No one commented on my tired look. And my afternoon nap this afternoon was right on cue.

The frustrating thing with fatigue is when it hits, little things can seem a bit too much. I don't even get round to calling the people I mean to, and then I end up feeling bad (and tired) because I haven't. I find myself in this weird mix of meeting people for cups of tea, going to classes, doing my course, etc and yet being totally useless in other aspects of my life.

But maybe that is just life. We do some bits better than others.

And yes Anne. Tomorrow is all brand new with no mistakes in it. I'm going to add my own twist on that one. Tomorrow is all brand new with no mistakes in it and lots of energy too.

Sleep problems

Are back. Very frustrating but not that surprising at the moment. Must get back to that list I blogged on a few months ago.