Women's Breakfast

I love the women's breakfast at church. It is usually just once a term, and a time for women to get together, chat, laugh, share and usually we have a speaker.

I went along this morning. My digestive problems have been so hideously bad recently, coupled with my insomnia, that yesterday I didn't think I was going to make it. This would have been a blow having not gone to the Love Maggies afternoon yesterday, which I really wanted to go to, and having to rearrange my course assessment that was meant to be today too. I was feeling like I was going to be bound to the sofa for the rest of my days.

Anyway thanks to advice from my hospice nurse (who is AMAZING and so much help) I managed some sleep last night and this morning was feeling better so did make it.

I guess there are about fifty or so women who usually go along, and the rough age range is from those in their early twenties through to early sixties. I love the fact that no labels apply though. By that I mean it doesn't about your age, career, family circumstances, illness or whatever. It's just a bunch of lovely ladies who get together, have a chit chat over some croissant and fresh coffee and share their lives with each other for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning.

This morning an amazing lady talked about how her faith had helped her to cope with her partial facial paralysis which suddenly hit her 18 months ago. And then a wonderful hilarious guest speaker used the analogy of clothes to talk about how we try to fit and clothe ourselves in what doesn't always fit - and how our faith challenges and frees us from that. I laughed a lot and caught up with friends. A very different place from the sobbing mess I was in yesterday evening.

Now home armed with a strategy to try and sort out my digestion. I am still on full anti sickness medications nine days post chemo. This is not great. I tried stopping them yesterday and it was something of a disaster. I am treating myself like a child. I have made myself a sandwich. Cut it into quarters and will be eating ONE quarter PER hour this afternoon and no more. That is how bad things have become that I am having to ration myself small portions of food so I don't get some hideous reaction.

In the dark moments of yesterday evening it occurred to me that it really isn't any wonder I feel so ill. I haven't been able to digest a proper meal in over a week. Even though I am exhausted I can't sleep because of my insomnia. I am in all likelihood very anaemic right now. And my white cell count will be at the lowest in the cycle meaning I have very little immunity. So I decided to give myself a break. Put all that together, along with the bloomin nasties in my body, and it is no surprise I have been feeling so shocking.

It's no fun. So I am very grateful those lovely girls had me smiling and laughing this morning. Now time for some TV in bed. I am just going to be very kind to myself right now because that is what I need.

Visit to the Maggies Centre - Charing Cross

Before heading off to the hospital this afternoon, I decided to pop into the Maggies Centre at Charing Cross. Having heard such good things at the Anna Valentine Fashion Show, and about these places generally, I was curious. I was also VERY nervous. In fact, today I was more nervous about walking in there on my own than I was about looking my oncologist in the eye later in the day.

Maggies Centres are support centres for anyone affected by any type of cancer at any time. So why was I so scared about stepping into a place like this? I have blogged before about how I have found it hard to fit in at other cancer support places I have tried. Partly my young age can go against me. I have felt very isolated and different from other visitors and like everyone just feels more sorry for me than anyone else to be dealt these cards at my time of life. Well yes it is total rubbish. That is a given. But if I go somewhere like this I am looking for support not sympathy. They are very different things.

I guess also the course this cancer has taken can make it hard for me. I visited a Breast Cancer support centre for some individual therapies (massage and the like) during the treatment for my primary cancer five years ago. When I went back a couple of summers ago after my cancer had returned, it just wasn't a place for people like me. It was good support for those going through treatment the first time - but the staff seemed a little lost as to what to do with someone like me. Surprising really. Given that there will be 46,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer in the UK this year. And for approximately a third of those, sadly their cancer will return at some point in the future. Regardless of prognosis or treatment. Harsh facts about a very harsh disease.

But back to cancer support centres. Another challenge for someone who is dealing with long term treatment, like me, is that often these places have a limit on the support they can offer. Given the number of cancer patients and the limited funds, this is completely understandable. But for someones like me, a couple of months is not really enough.

And partly it is just me. I often feel like this disease takes over enough. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to be spending my days trying to fit into a world I so don't want to be a part of.

So why then go to Maggies at all today? Like I say I was curious. I have heard good things. Janet Ellis gave a very convincing speech at the fashion show about why she believed Maggies Centres were so helpful. Even for those who have the love and support of family and friends. A safe place. Where no judgements were made, and you could access help. Help to facilitate living your life, not limiting it. And five years into living with cancer (albeit for a couple of years back there we all hoped it had gone) I know I am needing help. I am getting better at letting people help me. And I am not against finding a place that does support me, I just haven't yet.

So with a dry mouth and pounding heart I walk into Maggies at Charing Cross Hospital. There is busyness. I walk around a little bit and pretend to look at a few leaflets hoping someone will rescue me soon or I will be walking straight out again, even if I am taken with how beautiful the building is. I don't have to wait long. Someone comes over and asks me if I am new. She shows me the kitchen and makes me a cup of tea, and shows me where things are. We then move to the library area where she says she will tell me a bit about Maggies.

This is my cue to say why I am there. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat I give her a summary of where I am with cancer, treatment, life. She doesn't look at all shocked. She just looks and listens and seems to empathise. I feel this isn't the first time she has heard stories like this. I come straight out with it about why I find cancer support places hard. She listens and agrees. She then starts to tell me about a couple of the support groups that are relevant to me - it turns out I am not a freak of nature after all - and relaxation sessions and individual therapies. Maggies offer long term support so I can go as much or as little as I like for as long as I like. I can dip into stuff and out of stuff. She also booked me in for some reflexology after my next chemo.

She shows me around. There are lovely places to just sit, and relax, or read, or be quiet. I quite like the idea of getting a cup of tea there occasionally and just hanging out.

I have to get on to the hospital so having been there for about an hour - most of which I spent talking to Mary - I leave. And I leave happier than when I went in. On first impressions I like this place. And I feel I will go back. How much I don't know at this stage. I have a lovely little private on line support group so will have to see if I go along to that side of things. But I feel positive about it. And this is a pleasant surprise.

I was in a better mood for facing the hospital after that. More drugs coming my way to deal with side effects. But the good news is we are just pressing on with chemo for now and I won't be having to go through the ordeal of a scan right now, which is a massive relief.

Got home to my lovely friend dropping round cashew chicken and rice for my tea.

Usually my Mondays that involve hospital are just no fun. But today was not so bad after all. I even managed to smile in my consultation. Now that doesn't happen very often these days. Believe me.