Visit to the Maggies Centre - Charing Cross

Before heading off to the hospital this afternoon, I decided to pop into the Maggies Centre at Charing Cross. Having heard such good things at the Anna Valentine Fashion Show, and about these places generally, I was curious. I was also VERY nervous. In fact, today I was more nervous about walking in there on my own than I was about looking my oncologist in the eye later in the day.

Maggies Centres are support centres for anyone affected by any type of cancer at any time. So why was I so scared about stepping into a place like this? I have blogged before about how I have found it hard to fit in at other cancer support places I have tried. Partly my young age can go against me. I have felt very isolated and different from other visitors and like everyone just feels more sorry for me than anyone else to be dealt these cards at my time of life. Well yes it is total rubbish. That is a given. But if I go somewhere like this I am looking for support not sympathy. They are very different things.

I guess also the course this cancer has taken can make it hard for me. I visited a Breast Cancer support centre for some individual therapies (massage and the like) during the treatment for my primary cancer five years ago. When I went back a couple of summers ago after my cancer had returned, it just wasn't a place for people like me. It was good support for those going through treatment the first time - but the staff seemed a little lost as to what to do with someone like me. Surprising really. Given that there will be 46,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer in the UK this year. And for approximately a third of those, sadly their cancer will return at some point in the future. Regardless of prognosis or treatment. Harsh facts about a very harsh disease.

But back to cancer support centres. Another challenge for someone who is dealing with long term treatment, like me, is that often these places have a limit on the support they can offer. Given the number of cancer patients and the limited funds, this is completely understandable. But for someones like me, a couple of months is not really enough.

And partly it is just me. I often feel like this disease takes over enough. I just want to be free of it. I don't want to be spending my days trying to fit into a world I so don't want to be a part of.

So why then go to Maggies at all today? Like I say I was curious. I have heard good things. Janet Ellis gave a very convincing speech at the fashion show about why she believed Maggies Centres were so helpful. Even for those who have the love and support of family and friends. A safe place. Where no judgements were made, and you could access help. Help to facilitate living your life, not limiting it. And five years into living with cancer (albeit for a couple of years back there we all hoped it had gone) I know I am needing help. I am getting better at letting people help me. And I am not against finding a place that does support me, I just haven't yet.

So with a dry mouth and pounding heart I walk into Maggies at Charing Cross Hospital. There is busyness. I walk around a little bit and pretend to look at a few leaflets hoping someone will rescue me soon or I will be walking straight out again, even if I am taken with how beautiful the building is. I don't have to wait long. Someone comes over and asks me if I am new. She shows me the kitchen and makes me a cup of tea, and shows me where things are. We then move to the library area where she says she will tell me a bit about Maggies.

This is my cue to say why I am there. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat I give her a summary of where I am with cancer, treatment, life. She doesn't look at all shocked. She just looks and listens and seems to empathise. I feel this isn't the first time she has heard stories like this. I come straight out with it about why I find cancer support places hard. She listens and agrees. She then starts to tell me about a couple of the support groups that are relevant to me - it turns out I am not a freak of nature after all - and relaxation sessions and individual therapies. Maggies offer long term support so I can go as much or as little as I like for as long as I like. I can dip into stuff and out of stuff. She also booked me in for some reflexology after my next chemo.

She shows me around. There are lovely places to just sit, and relax, or read, or be quiet. I quite like the idea of getting a cup of tea there occasionally and just hanging out.

I have to get on to the hospital so having been there for about an hour - most of which I spent talking to Mary - I leave. And I leave happier than when I went in. On first impressions I like this place. And I feel I will go back. How much I don't know at this stage. I have a lovely little private on line support group so will have to see if I go along to that side of things. But I feel positive about it. And this is a pleasant surprise.

I was in a better mood for facing the hospital after that. More drugs coming my way to deal with side effects. But the good news is we are just pressing on with chemo for now and I won't be having to go through the ordeal of a scan right now, which is a massive relief.

Got home to my lovely friend dropping round cashew chicken and rice for my tea.

Usually my Mondays that involve hospital are just no fun. But today was not so bad after all. I even managed to smile in my consultation. Now that doesn't happen very often these days. Believe me.