Belonging

One of my experiences of the past few days has been letting local hospice care help me at home. This has been hard. Emotionally. It's that word. Hospice. Is that where I am? Is that what I need? How can this be?

It turns out that this is Ann's job though. To visit people like me who are dealing with side effects and symptoms at home. And she was really helpful. She just got it on many levels.

I had been putting a lot on myself about how badly I have been coping recently. Whilst the reasons were not what I wanted to hear, to have someone who knows there stuff tell you it is not you, it is your body and everything you are going through, gave me some acceptance that it is not just me. I'm really sick. And that isn't my fault. So we are pleased and so grateful for this help. Even if it is a hard one to accept.

She left some leaflets on the coffee table. Some of which were hard to read even the title of. She also mentioned the day hospice. I am sure for some who are isolated and alone these are a real life line. But for me, right now, I'm not sure. You see I have tried various cancer support places before and it turns out I don't really fit in there either. Why not? Well one reason is my age. Believe it or not I can find myself in a situation were the staff and other visitors all treat me like some sort of "weird special case" because I have this dreadful disease at such a young age. So I end up feeling like I don't fit in the one place where in theory I should. But I don't think it is just my age. I know of others in my situation who that kind of thing is not for them. That's not to say that this support is wonderful for many. And maybe I will change. But right now - it is not a place I feel I belong.

For me this disease takes over enough. And I long to be free of it. And when I feel well enough (which is not that frequently right now) I want to see those friends and family I trust. Who I know just see Jo and not the cancer.

I believe most of us yearn to belong, wherever we are in life. For me, heartbreakingly, doors have been closed. But that is not to say I don't belong anywhere. There are special people and places and moments where I totally do. Not defined by illness or labels or what I look like or whatever. A level beyond any of those temporary things that seek to destroy my human spirit.

Where I do belong.