Weekend getaway

I have been really looking forward to getting away this weekend. We both so need a change of scene and the country side location looks beautiful. There are some things that doctors can't prescribe but you just know will do you good.

I was getting even more excited yesterday as I was feeling well. Eating and digesting normally. Which has taken a long time to settle. So I have been rather put out by a nasty reaction to a toasted turkey sandwich I made myself for lunch today. I spent the afternoon in bed. And elsewhere. This is getting so bloomin tedious. Now I am worried I will be spending the entire weekend inside the our hotel room bathroom.

Let's be positive. It could have just been one of those things. And careful choices over the next 24 hours should hopefully mean I don't have to order a slice of toast for my dinner in the nice restaurant tomorrow night.

We are still very much going. And we WILL be having a lovely time. There is more to me than my tum.

Rubbish Day

We all have bad days from time to time. I had one today. I don't want any sympathy. I have enough of that. This is my blog and am just writing down that I have had a rubbish day.

I knew I was going to be in a funny mood. It is five years today since my surgeon delivered the news to me that I had breast cancer in the Royal Marsden in Sutton. I was just 27 years old at the time. And I felt like my whole world had shattered into pieces. Today I enter the statistics as someone who has "survived" breast cancer for five years. This is not what survival was meant to look like.

I don't feel very well at all at the moment. At all. I spent a good few hours at the hospital this afternoon having various blood tests, injections and my consultation. You can loose hours and hours in that hospital. I am very grateful for the care I receive. It's just hard to sit there for hours when you feel so rubbish anyway. Then I had to wait 45 minutes for a prescription that they didn't have and ended up like some sort of lost soul in Boots at Fulham Broadway trying to buy Gaviscon.

I collapsed when I got home. Fell asleep. Again. But then things got better when my lovely friend brought our tea round for us. And now Jonny is home. More chemo on Thursday. I so know I need it. It's not nice feeling ill like this. Or having rubbish days.

Wii Fit Plus

We spent quite a lot of our time in Jerusalum playing on the Wii fit board. And in true Crossfield style as soon as we were home we were on Amazon and ordered a copy for ourselves.

We have had our Wii fit board for well over a year now. We have failed spectacularly to use it very much. It has been good fun if you have friends over but we've just never really got into the discipline of using it.

But having enjoyed it while we were away I had a proper go on this new game this afternoon. It offers all the same games that you get on the standard Wii fit game, but also some new games and some new functionality.

The new games are great. Particularly like the skateboard one and Jonny is far to good at the maths balls one. The snow ball one is hilarious although I am actually useless at it.

The new functionality is good. If you want to use this as a proper "at home" fitness tool, you can create your own programme, or choose one of the recommended ones depending what you want to work on.

So. As I am in the mood for structure and resolutions I am going to try and use it more and report how I get on. I did half an hour or so this afternoon so that is a start. My arms ache from the wing flapping one so it must be doing something.

Sprout Smoothie

Not as bad as it sounds. And I know it sounds bad.

Ingredients:

4 carrots
2 apples
6 brussel sprouts
Squeeze of lime juice

Whack all this through the juicer. Stir and down in one.

Brussel Sprout fix for the day.

Done.

Headstand

I did a headstand in my yoga class this morning. When the teacher was demonstrating this I initially thought "NO WAY." I couldn't really do the hand stand position, which is meant to be easier. But, there I was at about 10.45am, inverted. Defying logic. Forearms and head supporting my entire body weight.


The theme of the day has been somewhat upside down. At my elephant appointment this afternoon I was told that the elephant is "grumbling." That is to quote the man who knows. So out with the peachy pills. Back home with some little white ones instead.


Of course there have been tears. But we had a sense things were not quite right. Defying logic I have been relatively calm. Maybe there is a whole load of emotion to come. Who knows. What I do know is I got through this process infinitely better than I normally do. I am amazed I managed to have a conversation with Dr J. Apparently I even cracked a joke and a smile. And tomorrow I will be getting on with my day.

Funny Place

I feel funny. Nervous. I want the next few hours to be gone but equally I don't want them at all.

Some places in me are twingy. I have been very tired the past few days. Don't know if it is a low blood count, the elephant or time of year. Could be any or all of them all.

I just feel like curling up in a ball in bed and sleeping. How nice it must be not to live with the elephant. Oh to wake one day and it just not be there. Right now I can't really remember what that was like. I may be about to look this one in the eye.

Swine Flu Jab

I had my swine flu jab this morning, along with my "normal" flu jab. Because I have a compromised immune system both the other JC and I fall into the category which are a priority for getting it. I had been a little uncertain about having this jab. It is new and you kind of get nervous about a new drug that has been developed in a short time frame in response to the epidemic. I felt somewhat reassured the other day when a friend pointed out to me that straight flu jabs have been around for many years, and apparently all they have done is varied the make up slightly to protect you against this swine flu strain.

Anyway, it is done now, so no point worrying about the "what ifs." I know of friends who have had swine flu and it is a nasty thing to catch. And although hitting the headlines less than a few months ago, it is certainly still very much alive and kicking and looking for new people to knock out. I could do without being one of them.

I had my swine flu in my left arm and my normal flu jab in my left buttock. I did request it all went into the bum area as I have a lot more flesh/flab/fat there. Apparently not. I am glad I requested some went into my butt though as my left arm feels pretty achy, as does my hip area so think that may have been a very sore arm indeed. Other than that I feel OK.

I saw a different nurse at the surgery to the one I normally see. She could have won awards in the "what not to say to Jo" competition, when asking me why I was having it. So bad it was laughable. Well certainly it was either laugh or cry. I'll give you a taste... her farewell comment was "keep smiling." Er - hello! Whatever. My friend was waiting for me in the waiting room ready to whisk me off for some retail therapy. I just don't have a confrontational personality. But she could really do with some kind of sensitivity training. Remind me to make appointments Monday to Wednesday in future.

Weary Girl

I have had a couple of pretty nice days in lots of ways. Yesterday I enjoyed my yoga class and then had a couple of friends over for a cuppa in the afternoon. I am making progress on my Cath Kidston shoulder bag I am making with my sewing machine. Today I have focused on my course project. Class this morning and then popped to South Kensington to observe another this afternoon. I have been super organised buying my friends new baby a present within an hour of hearing of its arrival. I have cooked. I have texted and called people.

So I guess I am doing ok. And I am getting things done. I am living. I'm just so weary of this elephant business. And I am about to go through a process AGAIN that is so tiresome and stressful. Nuff said for now. And if you are wondering why the elephant reference, I have posted a link to the right of the blog. I live with An Elephant in the Room.

Anatomy Lesson

I have spent the day learning about anatomy. This is the part of the course that I probably have the least prior knowledge of. I have "combined science" GCSE, which I can remember very little about, and that is the closest I have come to learning any sort of physiology before. So I concentrated hard.

Fortunately the teacher was very lovely and worlds apart from my biology teachers in school. Very practical ways of learning. Using model skeletons, diagrams and lots of looking at our own bodies.

I didn't find it gory at all. Some people have questioned whether I would find it disturbing learning about our insides, given the elephant in mine. I didn't. In fact, I found it rather confidence building that lots of my body still works. And it underlined how important it is for me to strengthen and stretch bits of it.

Lots to learn and I will need to spend some time with my anatomy colouring book. It's been a pretty intense weekend of learning but one that I have really enjoyed. I'm exhausted though. Using ones brain and body at the same time actually requires quite a bit of concentration in my case. Maybe that is because my brain isn't that big. Shame I can't "deep stretch" that.

Looking after me

I find it really hard to stop. I like to be out, be with people, be part of what is going on. However, I have had to take it easy the past couple of days. I have cancelled plans to meet up with people and am not doing my usual Thursday cooking at church this evening. I found this last one a bit hard to say I wouldn't do, as I love being part of it and serving, but think it is the right decision as right now I need to just take some time to rest.

I was sat in the doctors waiting room yesterday lunchtime and there were lots of people spluttering everywhere. I must have looked very rude with my scarf right across my face but needs must. And I am going to have the swine flu jab as that is still going around and quite frankly if I'm entitled to have it then I could really do without picking up that one.

One of the ways I have looked after myself the past few years is through the gift of a friend who has given me lots of reflexology. This has really helped with relaxation and general well being. No idea of the science behind it but makes me feel better. However I'm not having this at the moment as she has just given birth and so quite literally has her hands full.

SO I didn't cancel the offer of another friend to pop over this afternoon and give me a foot massage. Not quite reflexology but still very nice indeed.

Now it's probably time to put my candles on and watch a DVD. After all so many people are telling me to "look after me" so I will be in trouble if I don't. Just don't tell anyone I will be writing my Christmas cards at the same time. Yes, you see. I find it hard to stop.

Super Healthly Green Vegetable Soup

Anyone would think I have some scan or something looming, given this was the most obvious thing I could think to make for my tea. And I continue on sugar strike. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. But anyway I got more excited the more green vegetables I put in this soup. It also probably had something to do with it being dinner for one tonight, hence no moaning about the lack of bacon or cheese or pasta in this, had someone else been home. Which are apparently on the alternative list of superfoods.

Ingredients:

Good glug of olive oil (anti inflammatory properties, good for healthy cells)
1 Leek, chopped, Sliced shallots, Crushed garlic cloves (all high in anti nasty qualities)
1 fennel bulb (detoxing for liver)
I small head of broccoli, including the stalk, sliced and half a cauliflower. (Crucifous vegetables are the king of superfoods.)
1 pint of hot vegetable stock
Large splash of white wine (well this has grapes in it and adds to the flavour)
Lots of ground black pepper
Generous amount of chopped parsley.

Put a large heavy based pan on the hob. Heat the oil and then add the ingredients in the order listed. Softening as you go. Add the hot stock and wine. Bring to the boil. Turn down to simmer and leave for approx. 20 minutes.

After the 20 minutes has passed, use a handheld blender to blend until smooth, leaving some chunky veg in it. Add the parsley and stir well. Add lots of freshly ground black pepper and serve.

Now. Give this recipe a chance. It may make Gillian McKeith proud but it actually tasted really good. The cauliflower gives it a creaminess. The leeks and fennel a depth of flavour. And the stock and wine give good consistency.

Ok. So this tasted good. But Jonny is at Nobu on some work dinner this evening and I think his tea probably tasted marginally better than mine. And I know fish is good for you too, but think I win the superfood prize this evening. Although if I had been offered the chance to go to Nobu tonight I would be there too. Loving the Miranda show on BBC 2 though. Not that I am biased about the cast or anything.

Bugs

There are bugs every where at the moment. So many people I know have coughs, colds, viruses. I know people who have had swine flu. I heard earlier in the week that some huge number, like 300 or something, are absent from a local school due to "bugs."

They seem to be hard to shift. My friends husband has been ill for over 2 weeks now. What's worse for me is there are bugs in my house. Jon is full of cough and cold and not good at all. I have a bit of a sore throat and, according to the hospital, a low while cell count. This means low immunity. This means bugs are not good.

Please don't breathe on me.

Homework Avoidance Tactics

I've just been doing some of my homework for my new course. I like my course a lot. The other people seem really nice and although my first weekend of study I found pretty tiring, I am glad I am doing this. The studio is a nice place to be in the main. I say "in the main" because sometimes stretching and strengthening your muscles can hurt. A lot.

I am sure I will have my "what an earth am I doing?" moments. I think I had one of these around mid Sunday when my brain was feeling saturated with information. The amount I need to cover and absorb is somewhat overwhelming. You should see the size of the file. Brought back memories of my accountancy exams when I used to spend weeks and weeks studying every page of lever arch files.

But given I am interested in this subject, it's a little worrying that I found myself doing homework avoidance tactics this afternoon. Wrote a long list of all the things I MUST get done before I got on. Clear the decks so I can give it my full focus. Yeah right. It's because I am a bit overwhelmed and didn't really know what I was doing. At the bottom of the mountain so to speak.

Anyway, once I got stuck in, I lost about 3 hours looking at all sorts of diagrams of muscles and bones in the body and how they all attach. I made my own pretty pictures of stick men with a colour key and lots of pretty arrows and crosses of muscle groups, directions of movement and lots of other technical things that I didn't know before. I have a large book of Musculo-skeletal anatomy and a couple of anatomy colouring books that I think I am going to be spending a lot of time with over the next few months. Our insides are amazing. Seriously. We have all these layers of muscles connecting different bits of us. They link up in all sorts of directions. And someone somewhere once gave them all difficult Latin names. Darn. I never really got very far with Latin in school. I do remember "Caecillius est mort," but don't think that is going to help me here.

Someone said to me I may find this subject difficult, given the issues with my own body. I don't feel like that at all. This exercise makes my body feel good, and learning about it so far has only made me understand better why that is, which is part of the reason I signed up in the first place.

It's all a bit scary though. I've got an anatomy exam in 3 weeks and my first demonstration of a 60 minute sample session in 4. It's going to be a steep learning curve and I hope I don't fall off that mountain. Right now I fear I might.

The Roller Coaster

I think it was Ronan Keating who sung about life being a roller coaster. And think it was me who said I would never EVER going to write about the elephant on my blog. But I've just had a really turbulent day. With ups and downs and times that I'm just about hanging on.

It started off nicely enough. Off to Monday morning yoga. I had a lovely time in my class. I was squealing with delight that I managed to get my body into a very strange position and balance my entire body weight on my arms. This body still works. I've just spent the weekend stretching it. Afterwards I grab a take out coffee and head for my Monday elephant appointment.

I am well aware by now of my ability to have a complete personality and mood change on entering the hospital. The care is very good. I just feel so fragile and vulnerable and downright scared whenever I go. Still I know that today should not be too bad. Just collect my peachy pills and head off. The nurse weighs me, and I tell her not to tell me my weight. She forgets and blurts it out to the entire waiting room. Great. The blood pressure machine then hurts my arm. A lot. I then go to have some blood taken and the nurse asks me how I am. I mention something about birthday blues last week... she is sympathetic and asks me more, and before you know it the flood gates are opened. Every member of the medical staff I now see today has me in full teary mood.

I eventually head down to pharmacy to collect the medications. The lady sat next to me smiles and tells me not to cry. She wipes a tear from her eye too. "We are all here for the same reason," she says. I say I know, it's just been such a long road and it gets to me sometimes. She says not to worry because God knows. I tell her I know he does.

Somehow in the midst of this a young woman appears at my side. I rarely talk to other patients, so this is slightly random. She tells me she has just been told she is to have chemotherapy and wants to know how I still have my hair. I give her lots of advice and my contact details and try to be as helpful as I can. She says I really am... through my tears. She leaves and another lady tells me she has overheard my conversation and I have cheered her up too. "How?" I ask. She is about to start new treatment and is scared. She is in a very similar situation with her health to me, as it turns out. She tells me her boyfriend and her are planning to get married next year, but she doesn't know whether she can, given the elephant. I tell her how my wedding was the most special day, and one of the shining lights of the past five years. She says if I got married then she sees that she can too.

After waiting like FOREVER I collect what came for and as I leave I pass my consultant in the corridor. Such a nice man, who always sees me at my utter worst. He asks how I am and comments how well I am looking. I say that I feel well, if only that was always a representation of what is going on on the inside. I must sound so ungrateful.

I eventually get home after what seems like an eternity. I love my home. There is a letter from Breast Cancer Campaign on the doormat thanking me for the winnings in the pub quiz. How crazy that in this horrid situation with my health that I would so choose to not be in, I seem to be making a very small bit of difference. And maybe those conversations I had through those tears helped those ladies today. Who knows.

My lovely faithful friend Gen appears and we hang out like Gen and Jo do. Jonny phones. We talk the way Jonny and Jo do. I'm still me. I start to make my Christmas cake, that no one will eat, the way Jo does every year. I'm still me. I have to collect my Jonny from the station. I'm still me. We get ready to go to the pub quiz. I'm still me. My mood improves. I'm feeling better again.




This roller coaster is an emotionally exhausting one to be on.

ebay charity project

I have been selling clothes in ebay the past couple of months in aid of Breast Cancer Campaign. I am hoping to reach my target of £500 and then send this total amount to them by Christmas this year.

This began in August when I had a clear out of my clothes in my cupboards and thought rather than give them all to the local charity shop, I would like to give the money for them to a charity that is close to my heart. I also thought that by getting people to bid for them I would hopefully raise more money for them. This was a bit of a random thought as I have never sold anything on ebay prior to this. I have had my moments of "what an earth am I doing?" Especially when I have to go to the post office with lots and lots of packages, but so far the total raised had made this worthwhile.

Thanks for the latest donations of items I have had - I am posting on my blog as a reminder that I need to list them and get on with some more selling this month. Also as an incentive to reach my target. Any unsold items, or items I don't think will sell, I will donate to the local Cancer Research or Princess Alice Hospice charity shops. You'd be surprised the stuff that people will buy!

I have chosen to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign for perhaps obvious reasons, but mainly because they are totally committed to all funds going towards researching the longed for cure for this disease that affects so many.

You can read more about the charity here:

http://www.breastcancercampaign.org/

Will be updating my gadget on the right of the screen over the next couple of months. Jo get ebaying!

Pink thoughts

As I stood at the local train station early this Saturday morning, I glanced across the platform and saw an advertisement with a bunch of bananas on it, one of which was pink. My heart sunk slightly and I took a deep breath. I knew exactly what this poster was all about without even having to read it - breast cancer awareness month. Or as it has become so well known - pink October.

I am not alone in my struggles with this month. Click on any Breast Cancer Care on line discussion forum and you will find many many women who suffer from this disease hiding out this month. The most drastic of these is a lady in my little on line support group who was pleased that her hip replacement surgery, which is needed as breast cancer cells have basically destroyed most of her own hip, had been brought forward to 1 October so she could hide out and hopefully avoid the whole of pink October. I'm not wishing serious surgery as a solution to avoid it, but it does stir up some very mixed emotions in those affected by breast cancer, which many people would not be aware of at all.

This may sounds surprising or ungrateful at first reading. How could I possibly have issue with raising awareness and money towards a cause that has affected me so much. Well, I don't. Let me make clear up front that I have come to the conclusion that I would suffer every pink wristband, badge, t-shirt there is, in order to raise money for support for those who have to suffer from this disease. But it has taken time for me to come to that conclusion.

I think the route of my initial dread of pink October was first time round the timing. Back in 2005 when I had just finished months of treatment and I was trying to be "normal" and escape this nightmare I had been undergoing that year. I felt bombarded by constant reminders. I would walk round supermarkets with jolly announcements about "fun pinkness" and it felt like every paper or magazine I picked up was full of pink hair straighteners, pink this and pink that. Even my return to work that month, which was supposed to be something that made me feel like I had before my diagnosis, was marred by posters in the lift and pink buckets here there and everywhere. It felt so far from what I had, and what I continue, to actually go through. All these pink products that surrounded me reduced me to tears on more than one occasion and on more than one pink October. For the record breast cancer and it's treatment isn't fun or frivolous or "pink" - it is harsh and horrible.

I used to dread seeing friends or family wearing their pink ribbons when they saw me. They probably felt they were supporting me. I felt like all they saw was the cancer. "Look how much we are supporting you by branding ourselves with pink." I felt like screaming "Look how much that silly ribbon is upsetting me - can't you see what I am actually going through - it ain't pink!" Unfair of me, and I apologize. I just couldn't and still struggle to be defined by my illness. It isn't what I am. I am not pink. It is just something that has happened to me.

Over time, acceptance some would say, others would say prayerfully, I have softened greatly on my views of this pink October. We live in a broken world, where 1 in 9 women in the UK will be diagnosed with breast cancer, and 1 in 3 a cancer of some form in their lifetime. And this world is also a media world. And if the media has chosen pink as the avenue through which to raise awareness, and ultimately money towards support and that longed for cure then so be it. I still find the hair straighteners somewhat insensitive as so many breast cancer sufferers lose their hair due to their treatments, but if a few pound from selling them goes towards research then that's the way it is.

This May I took part in a local breast cancer walk, the Pink Power Walk. Back in 2005 you never would have got me doing this, but I wore my pink t-shirt, as did my faithful supportive friends and we trained and walked and raised a lot of money. I'm no martyr for the cause, it felt great to be doing something really positive and I heard only last week that the money raised - well over £100,000 in total from that walk, has gone towards research against one of the most aggressive types of breast cancer. It made me want to do more of that kind of stuff, I currently selling peoples clothes on ebay to raise money and will be looking into doing other fundraising stuff.

I am very supportive of breast cancer charities. I always have been, it's just I have found some of the media frenzy tough to cope with. I am a member of Breakthrough Breast cancers Campaigns and Advisory network, and I periodically review publications for them at home and have attended a training day they offered earlier in the year. I am grateful for all the money raised each year in October. I will buy into the pink branding of it all, if I must, and quietly laugh at the irony of my own issues with using this pretty colour for something that is so far from pretty.

Put up pictures of pink bananas, although I am struggling to see the connection still, and dig deep when someone puts a pink bucket in front of you please. But maybe by reading this, be aware, the disease itself really is no fun at all. I am fully up for fun in the process of raising money, and feel pleased I have got to a place where I can accept that pink is the way that we do this. This girl just won't be eating pink bananas if that's ok? They sound disgusting anyway.

Tiredness, fatigue and sleepless nights

I've really been struggling with my sleep these past couple of months. The last couple of weeks have been particularly bad and the last couple of days I have discussed this with most people I have met - in the search for an answer to help. I have even sought medical advice from my GP and the hospital.

So, in no particular order here we go...10 tips to get a good nights sleep:

1. Keep a sleep diary. Apparently it may turn out I am getting more sleep than I think. Also tracking patterns about whether I am continually struggling to get off to sleep or waking up in the night. I already know the 3am issue is pretty constant for me
2. Go to bed same time and get up same time every day. I am finding this hard at the moment as am so tired and have lacked so much sleep, I feel like I am struggling to wake up in the morning so just want to get it when I can.
3. Avoid any distractions in the bedroom - TV, reading etc. I have heard the bedroom should only be for sleep (and sex)
4. Hot bath half an hour before bed. As the body cools after the bath this simulates the body's natural drop in temperature as you go to sleep.
5. Stretching. Stretching before you go to sleep releases tension in the body
6. Breathing exercises. Breath in for 7 counts and breathe out for 11. This slows your heart rate apparently. I have been trying this the past couple of nights and it seems to help actually.
7. Pillow spray. Essential oils on the pillow such as lavender can help with relaxation. Jon thinks this stuff stinks but I seem to persevere anyway. The association with the smells can also trigger your body to know it is time to sleep.
8. Muscular tensing and relaxing through the body.
9. Reduce caffeine intake generally
10. No negativity about sleeping at all. I shouldn't 't even be writing on here that I have a problem with sleep. I have to tell myself all day what a good nights sleep I am going to get and believe it.

So, in true Jo style I am trying all of these at the moment. Nothing like a project in my world. It's 9.05 and I need to take my lavender bath for 30 minutes to allow another 30 minutes to be stretching at 9.45, breathing in for 7 and out for 11 at 9.55 and fast asleep by 10.05. I WILL sleep tonight and I am going to feel so much better for it tomorrow. Yes I will sleep tonight, and I am so looking forward to my good nights sleep....

As an aside I also suffer from fatigue. This is tiredness that is not relieved by sleep and related to my medications etc. But if I can get some sleep, I mean WHEN I get some sleep tonight, then surely it will help. Night night hmm.

Pre match nerves

There is so much going on at the moment and I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well at all, but got some good advice from a fellow insomniac this afternoon at my nieces party, so am going to try some of her tips tonight. Stretching and breathing in for 7 and out for 11 apparently. I also have some sleep spray from my sister. Life seems so much harder when you are tired, and when you are dealing with big stuff like the big C like me, it can make it seem too hard sometimes.


I am getting my latest scan results this week. Urghh. I've been in a right old tiz about it all day, but have just been to church and feeling a lot more at peace now. I find it so hard to put into words my emotions about it all. I don't know if I will post what the results are - I like to be private about the ins and outs of the exact treatments I am having, but there will be a plan. And I am not this disease, it is something that has happened to me, so try so hard to focus on the other things going on in my life and who I am, not what has happened to me. The hard thing is when my capacity is hitting low and I have to keep going through tests, results, treatments, and again and again. It really is exhausting and hurts me so much to see the pain is also causes those I love and care about. The emotional burdan can become a physical one on top of everything else.


It's our wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Jon and I have made a promise to have a lovely evening together no matter what the results holds. Big sigh. Keep on Jo, keep on.