Men's fashion alert autumn 2009

I have been very strict with myself today. A lingering migraine made me cancel my cinema plans for last night, and my trip to Kew Gardens this afternoon. One of those times where I have had to listen to my body and stay home. Like people who care about me lots say I should do more. Points please.

Anyway, this did mean that I read the paper properly this afternoon. And I laughed out loud. Most of my girls I hang out with these days are having the similar trauma of not knowing what to wear. Are we too old for certain stuff? What is trendy anyway? My friend commented on the length (or lack of) of my denim mini skirt last week. I think I am trying to defy the fact I turn one year older next week. I always think it must be easier for boys. Jeans with either t-shirt, polo shirt or shirt, depending on the occasion. Well, according to page 14 of G2 in the Guardian today, not so much. There are new fashion rules for men.

Here are my views on their list:

1. It's ok to be hairy. Nice picture of David Beckham. Not so nice beard. I don't like stubble or moustaches. The only man I know who I think looks attractive with facial hair is Sean Connery. So, boys I know, don't throw out your razors just yet. Especially not my husband please.

2. Be inspired by the new country dandy. Hilarious picture of Fantastic Mr Fox. I know I live in Richmond, where we all love our hunter wellies and try and be all "city meets country." But I draw the line at tweed blazers and bow ties.

3. Borrow from your girlfriend/sister/mother. I don't think I would take it as a compliment if any man I knew wanted to borrow my leggings or my jeans. Boys are meant to wear bigger sizes than girls surely? Apparently both Marc Jacobs and Prada are including the "man skirt" in their latest collections. Hello?! So, now it is a good thing if Jon starts wearing my mother's skirts? I don't think so.

4. Study a single man. At first reading I thought this meant that guys are meant to do some sort of man stalking. Which would probably result in being arrested. Not quite as bad as that. Just model themselves on a certain male look. The closest Jon comes to this is following Manchester United avidly. If he starts trying to look like Wayne Rooney I'm not going to be happy.

5. Posh up your cardigan. Long cardigans are only ok for girls. Enough said.

6. Think utilitarian camping. I know of a few boys who like to get all rugged and go camping / climbing / hiking. This is fine. But I don't think you need to walk round with your camping gear tied round your waist now. Especially when you live in a city.

7. Explore new trouser shapes. I will never forget when our friend Will (who is 21 I add) turned up at the pub in pink skinny cut jeans. Jon, bless him, asked if their was such a thing as "middle aged spread" cut? Not quite sure this is what the style gurus had in mind....

8. Swap your scarf for a snood. Not sure Manchester United have a team snood. Could be an idea for Sir Alex though on a windy day I guess.

9. Boots are the new shoes. Guess this is ok. Apparently DM's are back. Now I do feel old as I remember them the first time round.

10. Bleach your jeans. And apparently if you don't want to, you can just add a pale chambray shirt or denim jacket. I'm having a bad memory of New Kids on the Block.

And that's it. All that boys need to know to stay on-trend. Worryingly this list is not a joke either, it is a serious checklist. Suddenly shoulder pads I saw in Topshop are not seeming quite so bad.